I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.