DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything