*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Skills
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”