dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles