My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…