me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
You Might Also Like
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!