Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.