Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?