Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.