ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.