It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
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Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?