“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
look at me when i’m typing to you
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.