@weinerdog4life

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

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@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@J0hnnyBlaze

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

@daemonic3

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

@Brentweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@slimmy_shady

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

@pleatedjeans

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

@awryaditi

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem