@egg_dog facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
@weinerdog4life I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
You Might Also Like
@egg_dog 
@J0hnnyBlaze When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
@panarin_misha choose your gary
@daemonic3 me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
@Brentweets “Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
@SardonicTart [Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
@slimmy_shady Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
@pleatedjeans me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
@OhNoSheTwitnt Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
@awryaditi Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem