I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
three things we don’t talk about
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
*puts words between two asterisks*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Meow
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories