Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.