Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”