Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES