The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
put ‘er there pardner!
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you