This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Anyone want a chair?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.