I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/