I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.