I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic