Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
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Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I have a new favorite meme page
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you