Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Check your privilege