Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
the noise i just made
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?