My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
This meeting could have been a cake
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston