I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
the three branches of government
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE