they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”