New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
#titanic
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.