Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
We need to put an American base on the sun
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it