We need to put an American base on the sun
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?