If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
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absolutely not
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.