‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”