I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
look at me when i’m typing to you
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you