I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You Might Also Like
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.