If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
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[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
why no one uses midhusbands
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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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Sunday
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Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
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choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling