Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.