When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
new career option?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
How do you milk an almond?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.