When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”
M: Did NOT see that coming
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
ok this is my dumbest yet
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.