When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992