Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW