I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
You Might Also Like
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
This is me
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.