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The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.