Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Brilliant!
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.