“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS