Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to