If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
my first dose meeting my second
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go