Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?