Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.