saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”