[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
You Might Also Like
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
New tinder profile pic
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
They’re stuck in your pants?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Smile they said.