Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
TODAY
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.