I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
taking June’s advice to heart
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”