I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
![]()
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.