Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man