me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
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Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes