Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
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an octopus is just a wet spider
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.