I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.